LIST: MY BOTTOM FIVE OF 2024

So I was browsing through Twitter the other day and I saw that the critics from Variety have done a list of the worst films of the year. This had been screenshot and quote-tweeted by one Joe Russo (not the one who did the Avengers movies) with the words "STOP. MAKING. WORST. MOVIE. LISTS.". (His allcaps and punctuation.) My response was "Why should we?" - a genuine question that elicited no coherent answer. Because there isn't one. Why shouldn't we list the worst films we've seen or the films we've liked the least? If it's perfectly acceptable to list the great ones, it's equally acceptable to point out the stinkers.

Listen: I've paid money to see all these movies. Either cash on the door, on my (soon to be abandoned) Cineworld All-You-Can-Eat card, through-the-post DVD rentals, or via streaming subscriptions. I'm not a critic or a broadcaster, I'm not a professional reviewer. I'm a paying customer. And like anyone who's gone on holiday and had a lousy time, like anyone who's bought a laptop or a PlayStation or a tin opener and it doesn't work, I have also paid for the right to say so. You don't want your movies ending up on people's Worst List? Stop making movies that deserve to be there.

As usual, my reference point is the Film Distributors Association website. And as usual, I probably dodged most of the bullets, particularly the endless superhero ones which, after the headbanging tedium of The Flash in 2023, I have given up on. I obviously avoided a lot of the films that clearly held no appeal for me (such as Transformers One or Harold And The Purple Crayon, because I'm neither a masochist nor a moron. Still, I did get hit by some fairly hefty artillery, and these were the most painful.

5. SOMETHING IN THE WATER

Yet another terrible shark movie, this time targeting a bunch of young women on a hen do in the Caribbean somewhere. Described by the director as Jaws Meets Bridesmaids, it begins with a brutal act of homophobic violence before dumping them all in the water to shout and squeal at each other while Sharky cruises around and chomps on them far too slowly. (This year also gave us a much better shark movie: Under Paris, but that went straight to streaming.)

4. HUNT HER, KILL HER / WINNIE-THE-POOH: BLOOD AND HONEY II

To be honest you can take your pick from the insultingly high number of bad horror movies this year: not just disappointments, but out-and-out rubbish. Baghead, Tarot, Night Swim, Imaginary and The Exorcism were all thoroughly tiresome (frequently taking place in near to total darkness which doesn't make for scary cinema, it makes for radio). In the end I've cheated slightly and gone for a tie: Hunt Her Kill Her is a deeply unpleasant movie in which a bunch of misogynist arsebags terrorise a woman working a night shift in a factory, while the second Winnie-The-Pooh slasher movie is a wretched splatter bore that, again, only exists because of copyright expiry. Both were garbage and frankly expressing a preference between them is like choosing which dog turd you'd rather step in.

3. GODZILLA X KONG: THE NEW EMPIRE

Staggeringly tedious and ridiculously expensive monster movie in which nothing makes sense, the numerous monster fights are CGId into pixelgasm oblivion, and the ever grander scenes of destruction and cities being stomped, nuked or otherwise destroyed become insanely boring given that no interest has been generated by any of the human beings relegated to the sidelines. (The year started with Godzilla Minus One and that was immeasurably superior because enough time was spent with the characters to make you care.) It's utter, utter rubbish.

2. GHOSTBUSTERS: FROZEN EMPIRE

Incredibly, that new Godzilla movie somehow wasn't the year's worst sequel beginning with G that had the word Empire in the title. This is a perfect example of a studio desperately flogging their "intellectual property" one more time because they have no other ideas: nothing original, nothing new, nothing innovative, just that thing we liked forty years ago even though, deep down, we know that it wasn't any more than perfectly fine. Two whole generations later: it's not remotely funny, the original stars are far too old and the new ones aren't interesting. Let it go.

1. TERRIFIER 3

Was there any doubt? I hated and detested this garbage more than any movie for quite some years and it's one of the few movies that I wish I hadn't bothered with: it's the kind of film that gives the horror genre a bad name. Twice I was tempted to walk out and I really should have. It's got absolutely nothing but gore and splatter, blood and carnage, dismemberment and slaughter. There's no wit, no character, no style and no emotion: just a succession of kill scenes showcasing the practical FX work. Mean-spirited, wilfully offensive and boring as hell, it comes across as the work of an overexcited 14-year-old boy who's just discovered Troma and couldn't tell a story to save his life. And while I don't generally single out directors, in this case I have to. Damien: grow up.

Disappointments abounded this year, including Longlegs, Poor Things and Argylle, plus unnecessary sequels Furiosa, Smile 2 and Twisters that didn't live up to their origins.