This has been a much more difficult list than the Top Ten. Not because there weren't enough bad films to compile a list - far from it - but exactly what order they should be in. I've been wrestling with whether X is worse than Y or better than Z and to be honest I'm not sure it matters that much. Oddly, none of these atrocities is a found-footage movie (there's one in the runners-up), meaning that directors have come up with ways to make their films royally stink while not making them look like they were shot by nine-year-olds. In addition, it's probably worth asking why so few of the Top Ten and so many of the Bottom Ten are horror films: how can I be a real horror fan when the genre punishes me so frequently?
Anyway, this is probably as close as I can get on a sliding scale of worthlessness, given that none of them - NONE OF THEM - are worth anything at all. Again, only films which had a theatrical release in the UK during 2013 (as listed on Launching Films) qualify, which is why Dark Tourist (aka Grief Tourist) and The Paranormal Diaries: Clophill aren't on the list.
10. BLACK ROCK
Three idiot girls go camping on an island, three psycho douchebags turn up; rape and murder ensue. Ugly, glum, boring.
9. ANCHORMAN 2: THE LEGEND CONTINUES
It's not funny for a single second, it has nothing interesting to say about TV news, and Will Ferrell is hateful. Hell, it's not even as good as the first one, and that was scarcely a comedic milestone.
8. RUN FOR YOUR WIFE
Of course, Hollywood doesn't have a monopoly on bad comedy. Here, scores of sitcom veterans and comedy legends can't counteract the humour vacuum of Danny Dyer, and an apparently hilarious night at the theatre is transformed into a bewildering dud on the screen.
7. PAIN & GAIN
Michael Bay's idea of a satirical black comedy about true crime is like Natural Born Killers as performed by the Three Stooges. Sadly, it's still directed by Michael Bay.
6. SCARY MOVIE V
Yet another comedy that isn't funny, even by the already subterranean standards of the Scary Movie sequels. This time it mostly spoofs Mama - scarcely a monster hit - and 2010's Black Swan. None of it works, obviously.
5. TEXAS CHAINSAW
Nonsensical and uninteresting semi-sequel released in 3D, for no reason beyond screwing a few more coins out of the audience. Incredibly, it isn't even as well made as Marcus Nispel's rubbish reboot.
4. THE ABCS OF DEATH
Near-unwatchable playlist of shorts, most of which are not just indifferently made but relying on the lamest of shock tactics (miscarriage, wanking, flatulence) to get by. Two okay segments out of twenty-six is an outrageously poor batting average.
3. THIS IS THE END
The apocalypse stuff is fine; unfortunately it's befalling a houseful of morally repugnant and talentless stoner shitbags with the combined comedic appeal of the Graf Spee, so you're pretty much on Team Satan from the start. Despicable.
2. A FIELD IN ENGLAND
Pretty but incomprehensible load of wank that would barely scrape an E- as a first year Media Studies project. The idea that this tripe is actually the work of one of the UK's top film directors is laughable.
1. AFTERSHOCK
A disaster movie in which a trio of loathsome arseholes and some totty with low standards are caught up in an earthquake; the second half is mostly concerned with rape because the makers are idiots. Pretty much as tiresome as you can get.
More terrible movies: The Bay, Frances Ha (spent the whole time wanting someone to slap her), The Heat, Man Of Steel, The Last Exorcism Part II, Hyde Park On Hudson, Evil Dead (the remake), Simon Killer, In Fear and The Incredible Burt Wonderstone. Bring on 2014.
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