Friday, 19 April 2013



Yet another atrocious looking piece of moronic horror rubbish in which cretins talk drivel and do jawdroppingly stupid things until you wish they'd all bugger off and leap into a ravine or something. There's little constructive response you can give to a film that seems purposely designed to make even the most laidback and liberal minded of viewers loathe and detest every single onscreen character with a Dalek-like passion, and the fact that everyone ended up bloodily dead was small consolation for having had to endure about 70 minutes of their worthless lives. Frankly, the entire cast and crew should be lined up and slapped.

The opening sequence of I Didn't Come Here To Die has that fake grindhouse effect slopped onto it: scratch lines, dirt marks, and the top of the image flickering at the bottom of the screen so it looks like it's badly projected, which obviously doesn't make any sense on a DVD and just looks stupid. The rest of the movie consists of a busload of despicable young turds who camp out in the woods and get killed, some because they're blundering imbeciles with an IQ that would shame a lemon and some because one of the group suddenly turns into a homicidal maniac for no good reason.

Most of this is shot through what appears to be a permanent haze of sickly green that makes you think your TV's settings have broken because everything looks indistinct and the wrong colour, as if it's set on a planet made of pea soup and bogeys. Presumably they were aiming for some sort of wacky bad taste comedy feel, but the characters are all such obnoxious douchebags that their deaths provoke relief rather than laughter. The final bit puts back the scratches and jumps, presumably wanting to give the movie the feel of a genuine tatty 70s grindhouse exploitation flick, but that doesn't make any sense in a film with mobile and satellite phones in it.

And even at a scant 78 minutes or so, it's boring as hell. We're not interested, we don't care, and we're not impressed. Even the gorehound money shot when a girl gets a chainsaw in her face (it's her own stupid fault, I've no sympathy) can't redeem it as it doesn't raise any more than a "hmmm" in response, as in "hmmm, that's a nice gore effect". And thanks to the colour scheme that renders most of the blood as black, even the splatter doesn't work, and that's really the last chance for a horror movie in which nothing else works. Unwatchable garbage.


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