Thursday, 30 August 2012



The cinematic smackdown has always been with us: usually between two separate evils bolted together to appeal to two distinct franchise fanbases at once with scant regard for the narrative logic required: Alien Vs Predator, Freddy Vs Jason, Dracula Vs Frankenstein, Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus. Whoever wins, we lose (presumably it's easier to pick a side with Earth Vs The Spider or Wrestling Women Vs The Aztec Mummy - only a sociopath would be rooting for the away teams there). And it's an infinitely repeatable cycle because there are no end of opposing parties to fight each other: maybe one day we'll get Mummies Vs Scotsmen and Midgets Vs Saxophonists.

Cockneys Vs Zombies is basically the (East) End Of Civilisation As We Know It: a bunch of foul-mouthed idiots organise a bank job so their grandfather (Alan Ford on terrific form) and his cronies don't have to move out of their care home that's scheduled for redevelopment: unfortunately a construction crew nearby has broken the seal to a 17th century plague pit and unleashed zombies on London. Can the robbers make their way back to the care home and save Grandad and his mates?

A splattery pie-and-mashup of Carry On Danny Dyer, Minder Of The Living Dead and a BBC sitcom with Richard Briers, Honor Blackman, Georgina Hale and Dudley Sutton as lovable crumblies, but with enough unnecessary F-words to push the boundaries of the surprisingly lenient 15 certificate to snapping point, it's thoroughly amiable knockabout with lots of gore and smart, funny dialogue. Having said that, it's tough to warm very much to any of the younger characters or care that much whether they make it to the end or not. Still, if only for the irresistible sight gag of Richard Briers on his Zimmer frame pursued equally slowly by a shuffling zombie (and for the idea of Briers appearing in a sweary zombie movie in the first place), it's perfectly good Friday night sixpack entertainment.


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