CONTAINS..... OOPS, SORRY, I THINK I MIGHT HAVE NODDED OFF FOR A BIT. DID I MISS ANYTHING?
Another so-called video nasty ticked off the list, but its appearance on the banned list is really its only achievement. Though it fares slightly better than some of its fellow victims of the OPA, it's a long way from prime exploitation fare and even an early appearance by 80s exploitation favourite Linnea Quigley (in an entirely gratuitous shower sequence) doesn't help.
Don't Go Near The Park is an obviously retitled 1981 cheapie in which, twelve thousand years ago, cave-based siblings Gar and Tra are sentenced to eternal aging (apparently by the mother) for the crimes of seeking eternal life and cannibalism. If, on the night that the Moon next aligns with the Twin Stars of the Wolf (or somesuch astro-gibberish) the pair can sacrifice a virgin of the tribe to eternal damnation, they shall have eternal youth. Cut to today and in the intervening twelve millenia their cave home has become part of a public park which Tra protects by means of a curse (and wandering around in a witch's mask); meanwhile Gar has put on a suit and married Linnea Quigley for the sole purpose of producing a sacrificial daughter. Gar and Tra both still have to stay young so they periodically kill people and eat their intestines. For some reason veteran Aldo Ray is in it as well, investigating the myths of the park and keeping an eye on the runaway kids who hide out there, including Gar's rebellious daughter....
It is fairly dull and it's nowhere near the likes of Zombie Flesh Eaters or Inferno as nasties go. Despite the BBFC requiring no cuts, there are frequent jumps in the soundtrack which suggests that the film is still edited for content - maybe it's an R-rated version? Either way, the occasional shots of boobage and entrail-eating aren't that shocking. There are some minor laughs, as when the two wannabe immortals suddenly start firing lasers at each other from their eyes, but they're very meagre pickings against the dullness of most of the movie.